My heart is not swayed by the minutia of circumstances. I am amazed, albeit touched, by the concerns of those who wonder if I will lose faith because my heart is broken. Hurt. Angry. Afraid. What else would I be? But these emojis are not the only ones on my playlist, and it does not go without saying that I must become disillusioned. Scott Peck said it well in The Road Less Travelled, “Life is hard.” We know this. Life is hard because of what people do to each other, if you ask me. Only a fallen race could scowl in the face of a God, whose name and nature is love, by perpetuating jealousies, fear, rage, and inexplicable selfishness. But why should I lose faith in God because of what people do? I can’t even seem to lose faith in people.
You know the danger of looking at “the man in the mirror” and owning the part you have played in the human conflict? It is risky, because so many people prefer to blame rather than to take responsibility. Taking responsibility can get you the whole blame sometimes, but in the end, you’re the one with a quiet soul. The only reward for winning the blame game is a jutted chin and a few drooling cronies patting you on the back. Only Truth with a capital T really wins, and that victory is never forced. It just IS.
My tragic flaw is desperation. I wish I could do God’s job for Him and make everyone get along. You know, I’ve been reading five Psalms a day for many years now, and I get the idea that David and the other wisdom poets felt the same way. They add a twist of “I’m right, they’re wrong, get ‘em God,” but I do think I know better than to take that attitude even if it is in my Bible. A wise friend recently reminded me that the hard things are not happening to me; they are happening for me. (Prepositions on steroids). A nice perspective even in the moments when I don’t buy it. It still rings true.
Still...still...and still...none of this has to do with my love for God. My faith is not contingent. It is a relationship. Invisible as Father, Son, and Holy Spirit may be, I sense a Presence with me that is more real than what my eyes behold around me. I am aware that God is for me. I am alive with knowing that God’s love is bigger than my wishful vindication, and I’m glad for that. God, don’t make all my wishes come true. I don’t want to love my enemies. They aren’t very nice. Defy the logic of emotion, and let me see the world as You do. I will be healed the day I can shed a tear for the ones who have hurt me the most. Until then...my soul only sings for Thee.